As I sit here, enjoying my final few hours of “freedom” (more on that later), many thoughts are running through my head. My apologies in advance if this blog is a little scattered!!!
I asked on my Facebook page this week for blog suggestions, I appreciate all of the feedback and will definitely be addressing many of the points. Thank you 🙂
This weekend was a big milestone in a few ways. The CBBF Nationals were held, I had the pleasure of working with a few ladies who graced the stage…as well as witnessing many friends accomplish their goals. Congratulations to everyone, you’ve done something very few will ever have the guts to do…regardless of placings, be proud to stand amongst the best in Canada. YOU are one of them!! Savor the time competing with your peers on home turf, in front of family and friends….there is no other feeling like it! Winning this show 8 years ago was one of my most memorable moments in life!
I also am counting down the hours until my very first competition prep in 7 years begins. And I wonder. I contemplate. I try to negotiate, rationalize, pep talk myself. You name it, the emotion or thought has gone through me. I also got hit with a cold/flu bug, which I’m taking as a GOOD sign….I’ve started almost every prep with a cold! (think it’s from all the crap I’ve been eating!)
Looking back a year ago, I didn’t think that I would ever be in the position to make this choice again…I had no desire to get back on stage. So why am I doing this? Good question.
Well, because I need to prove a point….to MYSELF. I had a conversation with a long time friend months ago that finally brought me to an understanding (thanks Big Ron Partlow) of how I felt. I felt like I left the sport because I HAD to, not because I wanted to. At that point, after 16 shows, my mind and body were beyond done. I was “kicked out” of a sport that I used to define who I was. I’ve spent the last 7 years, learning who I was….not “Jamie the Figure competitor”, but who Jamie is. All on her own. She’s pretty kick ass, lol! And I spent time healing, growing, learning, understanding. I am so different now…I look back at the pictures and can’t even relate to that girl anymore. A lot has changed in 7 years, but underneath it all, my love for the sport is still strong.
To go out on top, at my physical and mental best, because I choose to has always been my dream….I just didn’t think it was possible. Yet here I sit, getting ready to dive in head first…and I can’t wait. My outlook on competing has completely changed. Sure, I’m not gonna lie and say “oh, I don’t want to win”…we ALL do, or we wouldn’t do it! But I’m realistic with my expectations this time around, my feet are firmly planted on the ground. My head isn’t up my a#@, lol.
Since day 1, I’ve loved the challenge of competing…the mental strength it requires, the discipline and structure. I love challenging myself physically. To me, the reasons are plenty…..I want to challenge myself, for the experience of it. I want to see how I fit in to a Pro line up. I want to test myself, push myself out of this comfort zone I’ve settled into these last few years. I want to see if I still “have it” in me. I want to know what it feels like to go through a prep, mentally and physically, healthy. I want to do my best to enjoy the experience….something I definitely did not do the last few shows! Totally opposite.
I feel this experience is going to make me stronger, better, more open. A better coach. More empathetic. A better friend and supporter to those close to me in this sport. And mostly, to gain a deeper understanding of myself.
As I sit here filled with doubt, fear, nervousness, anxiety….I’m also filled with a buzz of adrenaline, peace, happiness. I’ve never felt like I’m exactly where I need to be more than I am right now, like this is the best decision for me. Ok, I feel like I’m actually gonna explode I’m so excited!!! Excitement that I’m about to embark on a huge journey that I’ve waited a LONG time to take again….one I’m much more appreciative of, one I’ve worked very hard for. One harder than winning that Pro card in the first place.
“What if I fall? Oh, but my darling what if you fly?”
It’s time to take a chance, put these fears to rest, let the doubt quiet….and fly. I know I can do it. Thanks for joining me on my journey.