Yet another long overdue blog. This one more so than any other I’ve written. It’s a very personal one that I’ve had a hard time writing. Started it many times, but never felt the time was right time to share. My goal with sharing this story is that it provides some hope to so many I see struggling with the dreaded (and often not talked about) post show life. You know, real life.
So let’s go back to 2007… I had just turned Pro in Figure (July 2006) and went into my first season as a Pro determined like no other. I was making it to that Olympia stage that year (wow, how little I knew)!
By the time I turned Pro, I had done somewhere around 12-14 shows… in the span of 6 years. Lots of rebounding, unhealthy diets, bad approaches and drastic measures. I blame no one for that, it was the “norm” at the time. That’s how you did it, no questions asked. I was so determined to reach my goals that I made a lot of sacrifices and poor choices, often at the sake of my physical and mental health.
Anyway, 2007 I do 2 pro figure shows doing fairly well… 13th place and 15th place. Not too shabby. I knew going into the 2nd show something was really off with my body. I wasn’t responding to anything and started to look kinda soft, worn out and not very healthy. I was sick a lot, exhausted and reliant on stimulants to make it through the day. It was a major struggle, but I ignored everything and pushed harder… and harder and harder, ignoring what I intuitively knew was coming and thinking “I will deal with it later”.
My last Pro Figure show was Sept.15, 2007… I walked off stage at 148 pounds. Within 6 weeks, I was close to 224 pounds, extremely ill, barely able to get out of bed and depressed beyond belief. My entire endocrine system started shutting down, mainly my adrenal hormones… so adrenal fatigue in the worst possible case. It wasn’t a good period in my life. I spent a LOT of time in various hospitals, trying to get my body back to normal and be able to live a normal life again while feeling good. My Doctors told me I wouldn’t be able to compete again, if I was even able to lose the weight or get somewhat healthy. I was devastated. I had NO IDEA who I was without the stage. My entire identity was formed around competing. Now what? This was no way to live. This wasn’t living.
I fell into a pretty deep depression and spent the next few years staying that way… very over weight, very unhappy, very uncomfortable and very very unhealthy. What I did gain from this was the opportunity to figure out who I am… without the stage. What an amazing blessing and slap in the face from the universe… “WAKE THE F*** UP JAMIE”! I truly had to go inward and ask myself some hard questions, how did I want to live, who did I want to be? All without the stage. I had to figure out what “health” meant to me. Not just how to look good.
Eventually after working with a Naturpath for a few years, I was able to get back to a healthier place. Lots of counseling and deep inner work helped with the messed up view I had of myself, food, the sport and who I “thought” I was. I will always have extremely sensitive adrenals, low immune system and be prone to easily gaining weight. That messed up thought process will always be a part of me, but I understand it and embrace it now. It taught me a lot and made me stronger.
It was the hardest period of my entire life… on so many levels. But honestly? I am so very grateful for the experience as it taught me an enormous amount about myself. It happened for a reason and I am thankful for that reason.
So let’s fast forward to more recent times… beginning of 2014, I started trusting myself and my intuition. I liked lifting heavy things. I liked compound movements. I didn’t like cardio (haha). I liked counting macro’s. So that’s what I started doing. It wasn’t easy… some days were good, some were bad and some were just there. I did the best I could and each day got a little easier. Each day, I felt a little better… and some days, I felt worse. But I kept going and slowly, really slowly things started happening… I fell in love with lifting again, I started gaining some confidence in my abilities. I wasn’t overly concerned with how I looked and focused on how I FELT… and this felt GOOD. It felt AMAZING, so I kept going with no real goal in mind.
In June of 2014, my husband and I went to see an old friend for some posing help for him, Helen Bouchard. I’d known Helen since my very first show and she continued to be a part of my life for many years. She turned to me and said “so, when are we doing a show”? The thought had never even crossed my mind! I was finally at a great place… but science and the sport had changed, so I thought why not??? I still had that competitive drive in the back of my mind… it never really went away, just changed. We started getting ready and the outcome was 4th place at my first show back in 7 YEARS!!!! The moment I stepped on stage, it was like I was home. I knew it was where I should be, a piece of me that had been missing for many years… but this time, it felt a lot different. Better. I went on to do another show, where I qualified for the Olympia. THE OLYMPIA!!!! Crazy… if you had asked me 7 years ago would I ever be on the Olympia stage, I would’ve confidently said no.
Words can’t even describe what the Olympia truly meant for me… many won’t understand and that’s OK. It was my journey alone and I’m still working through all the emotions tied to it. One thing I do know, is I will be back on that Olympia stage in 2016. If I’ve learned anything it’s this….
If you love it, are passionate about it and think about it often… do it. Find a way. Commit.
Value your health, it’s ALL you have.
Take care of your body — you only have this one to spend a lifetime in.
Nurture your spiritual side, whatever that may be.
Always trust your intuition. It will never lead you astray.
I hope someone out there finds some inspiration from this, maybe learn something… not to abuse your body or to go after your dreams, whatever. Just be smart about it, don’t let it define you. Enjoy the highs, enjoy the lows and learn from all of it.
~Jamie.